The CMDR that by no means flew… : EliteDangerous

The CMDR that never flew... : EliteDangerous
April 29, 2020 0 Comments

(I’ve by no means made a submit earlier than…and it’ll probably be my just one to be sincere, and I’ve solely even made a number of feedback…usually I simply lurk to learn concerning the video games I like, so please, forgive me if I screwed something up with this submit or broke any guidelines by doing so or for any typos/grammar points…)

I like Elite: Harmful. It’s considered one of my favourite video games of all time. I’ve acquired about 800 hours registered in Steam. 100% in VR, and that doesn’t rely the time previous to Steam. I’ll be sincere, I’d by no means heard of Elite till I purchased my Rift DK2 (not a dev, only a gamer). I used to be wanting via YouTube movies of cool content material to attempt to that’s once I ran throughout E:D. I used to be blown away.

For as dangerous because the {hardware} was on the DK2 Rift (I’ve since taken the Vive then Vive Professional improve route), it was nonetheless insane on the presence provided. Not have been we wanting via home windows into different worlds, we have been allowed to step foot in them. I used to be born within the mid-70’s so I grew up on issues like Star Wars/The Final Starfighter/numerous different house films. I’d all the time dreamed of going to house, of piloting my very own ship. And with E:D AND VR…nicely, that’s as shut as I’m going to get in my lifetime to fulfilling that dream. When you’ve by no means performed E:D in VR and also you bash VR as a fad, you’re so misinformed. It’s. Jaw. Dropping. It’s THE finest showcase for what VR can add to sure genres.

So I spent my time flying the galaxy, principally within the bubble, having fun with the surroundings. Studying the fundamentals of flight, preventing, issues like that. I’d take screenshots galore throughout my adventures. I all the time performed solo, by no means within the open. Largely as a result of I’ve extreme social nervousness and that sadly interprets to on-line. The considered being in a big group of strangers, nose to nose OR digital, it causes one thing in my mind to malfunction and begin inflicting nervousness assaults. Anyway, so I flew solo. Simply me and William Shatner as my co-pilot (due to course, VR+Voice Assault+HCS voice packs simply actually add to the already unfreakinbelievable immersion.

So in 2006, I met a lady on MySpace. Erika. She was in my city so we met up one night time down the road from the place I stay. We sat and talked for some time and realized that relationship wouldn’t work for us as a result of we had some extreme way of life variations. BUT we additionally had numerous issues in widespread so we turned pals. She and I rapidly turned the perfect of pals. Routinely hanging out, spending nights collectively (stayed strictly platonic) and even taking day journeys. As my nervousness points turned worse, she would name me repeatedly, in the course of the night time…”been out any this week?” No. “Wanna get some meals?” Yeah, that’s cool. And considered one of us would choose up the opposite and go hit a comfort retailer with an all-night deli. Or we’d go to Walmart at 3am. Or simply drive round singing poorly on the high of our lungs.

She turned the perfect good friend I’d ever had. And she or he informed me many instances that I used to be the identical to her. I suppose it was about 2012 or so…I’d began seeing somebody. Erika met her they usually each adored each other. Erika was stoked for me. Quickly after this, she knowledgeable me she was transferring to Florida (about 14 hours south of our hometown). Her dad lived down there and he or she wanted a change of surroundings. A part of the aforementioned variations in life have been I didn’t drink and he or she was in bars/golf equipment most nights, both bartending or consuming. She wished to stroll away from the approach to life as she was getting older, however I used to be actually the one good friend she had that didn’t drink or do medicine. So she packed her luggage and headed to Florida.

She ultimately met a jerk (actually, keep tuned) and moved in with him pretty rapidly. In direction of the top of that 12 months, he went a bit insane over that entire Mayan calendar factor and took off to Ohio. She discovered he was staying with an ex up there. In the meantime, Erika is in Florida residing in his dwelling. However even presents of sending her cash to fly again to our hometown or choosing her up myself didn’t sway her resolve. She determined she was staying put and he ultimately got here dwelling and issues appeared to work out. She quickly adopted a a lot more healthy way of life. They stopped consuming fully. She began cooking all this wholesome stuff that I wouldn’t contact to avoid wasting my life. She sounded pleased and hopeful each time she’d name, which acquired to be on a few weekly foundation.

As time went on, she went increasingly more from speaking to me whereas he was within the room to both speaking when he went down the street or simply whispering underneath her breath when he was out of the room. They’d gotten the place they have been sleeping in separate rooms. They not often talked or did issues. They only coexisted. She lastly admitted that he was smoking artificial weed. He would grow to be a unique individual when he did so. I informed her to depart. Provided her assist to take action. She refused. “I’ma simply inform him, look, when you wanna be a pothead, I’ll drive you myself to purchase a bag of weed, however for actual, no extra artificial stuff”. I needed her luck, informed her I assumed she was higher off leaving, however clearly I wasn’t in her sneakers so she needed to make the selection for herself.

Flash ahead a bit later within the story…I hadn’t heard from her in a number of days so I texted. “You okay?” The douchebag messaged again. “She’s within the hospital. She collapsed and I needed to name an ambulance”. A couple of weeks of testing they usually provided her no thought what was occurring. Or, in the event that they did, she didn’t inform me.

Now, previous to her leaving, once we used to hang around, late at night time within the deli…her chest would begin beeping. It gave the impression of an 80’s arcade machine. See, she was diabetic and needed to get an insulin pump. It wired in underneath her arm and he or she stored it in her bra most instances. “All the things okay?” Yep. “Are you gonna let me play Pac-Man on that factor?” She’d snigger. She was a gamer. She LOVED the God of Battle sequence. She ultimately acquired into Skyrim and we’d spend hours on the cellphone speaking concerning the sport. She’d ask questions, choose my mind (I’d put a pair hundred hours into it beforehand earlier than she ever acquired into it). She’d ask me to tug out the hardcover information I had for it and clarify a stat or discover out one thing for her. I feel she simply wished the pleasant voice giving her the information is why she’d flip to me as a substitute of Google for Skyrim recommendation.

Anyway, again to Florida. She discovered her kidneys have been beginning to fail. She started dialysis remedy. She mentioned issues have been going nicely. Then one night time, whereas ready for a date to point out up…I acquired a name. “Hey, hear, I’ve been kidnapped…I feel I’m in California”. Are you okay? “Sure, however they drugged me and I’m tied up”. Okay sweetie, is there ANY probability you’re in a hospital? I do know you’d talked about you have been within the hospital a pair days in the past. “I might be…one of many kidnappers simply walked in and checked out me after which she walked out”. Erika, sweetie, hear, if that was a kidnapper, they’d have taken your cellphone away once they noticed it in your hand or heard me on speakerphone. I’ma go to your mother’s and we’ll name you from there once I get there. “Okay”. So I rush to her mother’s home (5 minutes away) and once I get there, she’s already on the cellphone with Erika as I stroll up on the porch. We lastly get her settled down and realizing she’s within the hospital and simply medicated and that we’d speak to her the subsequent day.

So her mother and I talked for a bit and we realized that she hadn’t been going to appointments as scheduled. The douchebag (right here’s the half I informed you to attend for) hadn’t been taking her. She wasn’t in any form to drive and he was too excessive most days to take her. He’d apologize, inform her he beloved her, then return to his room and smoke some extra. She’d get sicker and sicker.

By the top of that week, we satisfied her to maneuver again dwelling. Her mother labored full time, however with my points (and some others) I’m on incapacity, so I promised her that something her mother or her grandmother couldn’t get her to, I might make sure that she acquired to. That I could have to return and sit within the automobile whereas she’s within the again as a result of I can’t sit within the lobbies alone, however I’d make sure that she acquired what remedy she wanted (alongside along with her mother/grandma). So her grandmother and two of her pals from church go to select up Erika. The douchebag presents to drive her about midway to satisfy them. She lastly makes it again dwelling in round Fall of 2017.

After I see her, I’m unhappy. She seemed sick. She was all the time lovely. About 5’9”. Normally hovered within the 140-150 vary. Blonde (not likely) hair. Now, she’s like, 110 lbs. Hair appears to be like like shit. And I don’t imply not fastened. I imply, like, sick individual hair. Thinning spots and such. Anyway, I’m pleased to have her again, as is her household.

We see one another routinely. Her household did an awesome job of getting her to appointments. She’d not often ask me to take her to something however she would ask me to select her up fairly typically. I feel principally simply to get her out of the home someplace that wasn’t the dialysis clinic. She’d inform me she was weak or nauseated however general doing a lot better. I’d be pleased and hopeful that her progress would proceed. So she was doing like, I feel 3 hours or so, a number of days every week. Ultimately she opted for doing a unique form of dialysis at dwelling. That left her 7 days every week, beginning at 10 hours a day…ultimately upping to about 12 hours. Hooked to a machine. Half the day. Sufficient tubing to make it to the lavatory and the kitchen desk. They stored a mini-fridge in the lounge she might attain and earlier than work her mother would put out snacks and meals and such on the desk so Erika might get to it.

Some days she’d really feel actually good and wanna do one thing. She beloved this place referred to as Breaks Interstate Park, about an hour from us. We’d go and hike among the shorter trails. She acquired sick sufficient although that even on a “path” to an overlook…a path that was perhaps 50 yards, she needed to cease and relaxation 3 instances down and three instances again. She additionally beloved a spot nearer to us, a small state park. We’d go there and simply drive via it having fun with the surroundings or get some meals and go eat at one of many picnic areas within the park. On the holidays we’d go see the lights at that park, she completely made a fuss about desirous to see the lights. And she or he’d be so excited once we’d go and there could be deer. I’ve acquired one image on the pool car parking zone space of the park the place there are 6 or 7 deer close to us. One other pic of 1 about 2 toes from the automobile window gazing us.

My city began doing Halloween fireworks for some purpose a number of years in the past. The primary 12 months, I went with the older couple subsequent door and we watched from the rooftops of the area people faculty (the spouse was an administrator and it was a hell of a view). So 2018 I took Erika to get her out of the home. She LOVED it. It truly is an superior fireworks present for a small city (3,000 folks roughly?)

All through all this, Erika spent increasingly more time in mattress. I imply, clearly she was spending 12 hours a day in mattress. Some days she’d reduce remedy quick to do issues. Different days she didn’t really feel like getting off the bed. We’d speak lots. She’d ask about my gaming. I’d inform her tales about Elite. Or ship her screenshots. She beloved house. Science basically, however house particularly. She was in awe. The primary time she seemed across the Anaconda in VR, she was floored. Her face lit up. She was simply so pleased. I (I lied, I’ve performed a LITTLE bit non-VR I suppose whereas exhibiting her the sport in VR) would have a look at the monitor and inform her the place to look and I’d soar her into a brand new system, or present her a brand new star sort, fly her right into a planetary ring or such and her face would simply brighten up many times.

I had saved up for a bit and upgraded my HOTAS from an X52 Professional to an X56. I additionally occurred to have an previous laptop computer laying round that had a GPU as a substitute of built-in graphics. It was liable to overheating, so I opened it up, discovered the fan was shot, ordered the elements and changed it. I then took the laptop computer and X52 Professional to her. I gave her the login stuff for my 2nd Steam account, which in itself had like 200 video games on it. And I purchased her a model of E:D. She was so pleased.

She began consuming movies about E:D making an attempt to get an thought of what she was going to be stepping into. I had one other semi-local good friend that purchased E;D after listening to me inform her how superior it was and he or she and I flew round a bit collectively whereas Erika was studying what E:D was about and such. As soon as I acquired the 2nd good friend going, she wished to get herself an upgraded ship. So I despatched her a hyperlink to a web site that gave recommendations on tips on how to rapidly earn cash with out fight and he or she set about her cash making methods. I figured whereas she was doing her factor, Simply previous to her shopping for the sport, I’d gotten my Anaconda…Nevermore (my actual life nickname is Raven) as much as 61 ly soar vary (again when this was fairly first rate, I hear now it’s a bit increased) and wished to stretch my house legs. So I set off to Colonia (not my first journey). I made it there after which went forward and moved in the direction of my final purpose. Beagle Level. I had seen pics of the views and wished to see it in VR. So I’d soar, soar and soar some extra.

I’ve a problem in house. If I see one thing cool that isn’t tagged as found, I’d need my digital identify on it. And to me, the best factor in house that I’d discovered was a black gap. I bear in mind my first time discovering one. I jumped like mad to get again to promote the information and get my identify on it. I used to be so thrilled to assume “now my (faux CMDR) identify will probably be seen by completely nobody as a result of, nicely, house is massive however my (once more, not my precise) identify is eternally (so long as Frontier retains servers operating) related to this black gap. So, anyway, right here I’m, on my strategy to the far aspect of the galaxy and…nicely…each few dozen jumps or so, I’d have a look round to see if something cool confirmed up within the galaxy map. And I noticed a cluster of some black holes and thought “oooh, my (not my) identify on these could be a pleasant exclamation level to this journey. So I replot a bit and head in the direction of the black holes. And I begin scanning them. One. Two. 5. Ten. I maintain leaping to every black gap I see in vary. There appears to be lots on this space. I FINALLY resolve “okay, so like, that is in all probability WAY greater than sufficient”. By the point it was accomplished, in a comparatively small space of house, I’d discovered over 100 black holes. So, me being me, I made a beeline for Colonia to promote the information and get my (faux) identify on them. So I used to be so pleased with myself for now being the proud discoverer of over 100 black holes. I then began but once more for Beagle Level.

Throughout this time, I’d nonetheless speak to Erika routinely. She was nonetheless watching movies, however hadn’t felt nicely sufficient to sport. However listening to me inform her concerning the black gap cluster and exhibiting her pics and simply the thrill and fervour in my voice at seeing issues, just like the worry once I jumped between 3 shut orbiting stars, making an attempt to maintain my cool (actually and figuratively) as I made for secure distance to keep away from warmth harm or among the surroundings I described about touchdown on a moon round a ringed planet and the way beautiful it was, she acquired manner excited and able to begin hopping within the cockpit herself lastly. She wished to see Beagle Level once I confirmed her pics of it (from others, not me, I nonetheless hadn’t made it but). I wished her to see it. So I informed her I’d wait on her. I parked the Nevermore and I give up enjoying E:D till she might be part of me on the journey. I even informed her I’d soar again to the bubble to show her the fundamentals and assist her get a jump-worthy ship or come over and educate her to play in individual, arrange Voice Assault, and many others. She was stoked. I used to be stoked that she was stoked.

She began getting down as a result of they upped her remedy time once more. At one level, she talked about states with assisted suicides as a result of she was depressing. I informed her 1. that she will be able to’t quit, she’d have to remain robust and combat if you wish to win. 2. that she shouldn’t put that on another person’s karma of killing her. I informed her I don’t know of what she’s going via however that she has to assume optimistic. She’d be down a bit then go some time and be in nice spirits.

So like, a 12 months in the past, mid-January 2019 I suppose it was…we had an unseasonably heat day. She requested if I wished to do one thing. I informed her I wanted to scrub my automobile first if I used to be gonna get it out of the storage. She provided to return assist me wash it. So I picked her up, we got here to my home and washed my automobile. It’d been a while since I’d seen her feeling so nicely. It made me pleased. We spent the day hanging out and had a blast. Quickly after, I suppose late January, she came to visit and spent the night time even. We’d deliberate on watching films however by no means made it previous simply speaking and watching YouTube movies. The subsequent day I took her dwelling and issues carried on as regular.

Mid-February, she began getting actually dangerous off pain-wise. One night I texted to verify on her and he or she mentioned she was pissed at a neighborhood hospital as a result of she went to the ER and ended up leaving after 2 hours of ready. She mentioned the nurses principally handled her as if she was solely there for ache tablets and that that they had no real interest in serving to her. I used to be pissed. Her mother was pissed. Fortunately her mother took her to the automobile, went in and informed the nurses simply how sick she was and informed them to F off. They have been apologizing as she stormed out.

So, anyway, late February rolls round and I’ve not seen her for the reason that night time she spent with me. February 27, 2019 at about 130am I acquired this message via Hangouts. “I had a dream we have been strolling someplace and it began pouring the rain on us. We went on this little junk retailer. That they had a Tesla coil that you just have been very excited by and I purchased a caramello bar. I ate a pair items after which gave it to you. Then we left after it stopped raining.” I laughed out loud. I beloved her mind. The sort of randomness is without doubt one of the the explanation why.

A couple of days later she tells me they’re going to need to amputate her leg. I’m unhappy. However I attempt to maintain her spirits up. “I dated an amputee as soon as, she will get round tremendous, besides she jokes she will be able to solely swim circles within the pool”. I’ve her laughing on the story concerning the first night time I spent with that exact woman. How I rolled over, nonetheless half-asleep, feeling frisky, began rubbing my hand up and down her thigh and “OMFG WHERE IS YOUR LEG!!!! Oh, wait, that’s proper…”. Anyway, she was taking the information in stride, spirits appeared fairly excessive.

Mid-March 2019. They took her proper leg slightly below the knee. I talked to her that night. She was telling me they have been getting issues lined out for her to get a walker and that though it hadn’t totally processed, she was pretty positive she’d cope nicely with it. She was in an awesome temper although. A couple of days later, she informs me they’re going to need to take her left foot. She appears in fairly good spirits nonetheless and he or she made me really feel comfy about her scenario, that this could assist her on her street to restoration and such.

So she begins her restoration course of and texts about studying tips on how to do issues over again along with her new scenario. I inform her I’m there for her and he or she thanks me and simply says she must give attention to getting issues proper. Late March my birthday rolls round. I’ve not heard from her. She’s not replied to texts. I’m unhappy. I don’t need to simply pop-in as a result of I dunno what’s going on. She lastly a pair weeks later, April 13, she lastly texts and tells me issues are a bit tough however issues are nonetheless going and that her different finest good friend is spending the night time, these two women had been pals since childhood. I inform her that I’d been anxious about her and that I hope they’ve a enjoyable night time.

My finest good friend from grade faculty died in a automobile wreck in January of 2003 as he was going to go to his older brother. I hadn’t talked to him in a number of years, life has a manner of conserving pals from staying in contact. Anyway, one night time my bro and my girlfriend are having a dialog within the kitchen whereas I watch TV in the lounge. I don’t know why, however I requested my bro “you bear in mind Joel?” and proceeded to inform a comic story about him. Two days later I discovered that was the night time he wrecked and died. I bear in mind spending the night time at his home as soon as. He made me watch the video to the tune “Highwayman” by The Highwaymen. I bear in mind very particularly him declaring it’s a tune about reincarnation. That for some purpose all the time caught with me. After I discovered he handed away I listened to that tune lots. Anyway, his birthday was April 27.

I get down yearly when his birthday rolls round as a result of he’s not round. So I used to be fairly down as that weekend drew close to. The day earlier than his birthday, my cellphone rang. Erika’s mother’s quantity. I acquired excited. “When you ever wanna see me once more, you in all probability have to do it now”.

I kinda am a glass half empty individual. Till I see a good friend down. Then I’m a ray of sunshine. I bear in mind Erika as soon as informed me “you’re the most optimistic individual I’ve ever had in my life” and I used to be like ‘wait, what?”. I informed my therapist at my subsequent appointment. She fairly actually blurted out “HAS SHE EVER MET YOU!?!?!?” earlier than apologizing for her outburst. I used to be like, no, I get it, I used to be shocked too.

However I actually DID get what Erika meant. When she was down (or any good friend) I attempted to be a brilliant spot. Like, I don’t have a lot in the way in which of pals. I don’t have social media. I’ve tried FB a number of instances through the years, then realized there have been lower than 10 folks I’d ever add and between that and the privateness points it simply was simpler for me to maintain in touch different methods. Erika was the one native good friend I had in my age vary. And she or he was the one individual I spoke to repeatedly aside from my Dad. And I beloved her. So any time she acquired down, I’m her good friend, it’s my job to select her ass up. That’s what pals are speculated to do.

As soon as I needed to be hospitalized briefly over a few of my nervousness points. And at this level, they have been simply beginning to get dangerous. I had like, I suppose 100 pals on Xbox that I gamed with repeatedly. And I used to be open with my pals as a result of I really feel that as somebody affected by a psychological sickness, I ought to do my half to attempt to take away the stigma that surrounds it. My pals have been all tremendous supportive. However one man…he was essentially the most conceited, loud mouthed jerk to everybody whereas gaming. He’d speak trash all day lengthy. He’d have his 2 12 months previous daughter get on the mic and curse folks out. Folks put up with it as a result of he was humorous and the whole lot sounded even funnier as a result of he had a cool Irish accent. THIS man…out of all my pals, THIS man, not even remotely considered one of my closest pals…despatched me a personal message. “Look man, I’m not gonna fake to know what you’re going via, however I do know that generally folks simply want somebody to hear. Right here’s my dwelling and cell numbers and my e-mail. ANY time, 24/7 that you just want an ear, I will probably be there. As a result of I do know generally that’s all you could want”. I by no means took him up on that, as a result of fortunately I by no means wanted to, however to today he nonetheless is on my Xbox pals listing though we haven’t gamed or spoke in years. As a result of I do know what sort of individual he actually is behind the net persona. And THAT is the good friend I attempt to be for these I let shut.

So I prepare on April 26 and I’m going to see Erika. I dunno what to anticipate however I maintain telling myself, issues can get higher. I imply, that’s what I informed her once they refused her from the transplant listing. “Effectively, they turned you down since you want a pancreas too, moreover, they referred you to a greater hospital in a much bigger metropolis so that you’ll be higher off all the way in which round, proper?” I haven’t seen her since she spent the night time with me in January. I do know she’ll be in tough form as a result of the leg and foot. And I inform myself “be robust for her, it doesn’t matter what, smile and make her snigger”.

I stroll in and begin smiling and he or she lifts a nook of her mouth. She appears to be like like hell. She’s in a hospital mattress in her bed room. One arm is all that’s out from underneath the blanket. I lean over and hug her, she hugs as finest she will be able to along with her free arm. I give her a kiss on the cheek. And we simply begin speaking. She appears to be like dangerous however I inform myself “hopefully she’ll really feel higher quickly”.

Her mother informed me a number of days later that she’d been mendacity to me. To not harm me or something. However to guard me. See, I had no thought about something to do with diabetes. A part of why she moved to Florida was to get her well being transferring the fitting path it might appear. That’s why she stayed there even when life wasn’t going nicely. The wholesome way of life was her making an attempt to avoid wasting herself. She was 11 when she discovered she was diabetic. She informed her mother that was her dying sentence.

We’re sitting there speaking, I’m simply operating my fingers via her hair. I requested her if she noticed the actual precise pic of a black gap. She mentioned no. I inform her my cellphone is in my automobile. She says, mine is right here. And she or he lifts her proper hand from underneath the blanket for the primary time.

That was the purpose I broke. I imply actually one thing in me broke. Her hand. From between her index and center finger to her wrist underneath her pinky, her proper hand…it was shriveled and black. And I don’t imply black and blue like a bruise. I imply black like charred wooden. At one level her black fingers brushed in opposition to the cellphone display screen and nothing…they have been lifeless. Up to now, I really had held out hope that issues would get higher. After I noticed that hand. I knew. I knew it wasn’t. I knew this was it. And as a lot as I fought to maintain my composure in entrance of her, I couldn’t. I cried. And I cried. I held her, I stored operating my fingers via her hair. However I stored speaking to her as I bawled like a child.

“You know the way while you talked about assisted suicide, I stored telling you, you gotta combat? Sweetie, you don’t need to combat anymore. You’ll be able to let go now. I promise, it’s okay pricey. You’ve fought greater than sufficient, love. She smiled at me. I confirmed her the primary image of an precise black gap. It took her a bit bit to focus and take it in however her face lit up. Then we talked about Carl Sagan. We’re all star stuff. I informed her sooner or later, lengthy from now, the mud she’ll grow to be might sometime be engulfed by our solar when it goes pink big. And that sometime additional nonetheless, that mud might get swallowed right into a black gap someplace alongside the road and he or she might get to go to the opposite aspect, even when she doesn’t comprehend it. That lit her face up in a manner that also makes me proud. Then we talked about how perhaps she’ll get to only drift across the universe as she pleases, discovering out the truths we will solely dream about on this lifetime. I informed her about Joel, how the subsequent day would have been his birthday. She replied “I feel that’s the universe telling me it’s my time”. She mentioned she was sleepy so I retreated to the kitchen along with her mom.

Her mother…in contrast to me, her mother noticed her day by day. She knew how sick she really was. In order I sat there, damaged at seeing my finest good friend within the form she was…her mother was consoling me. “She’s been in numerous ache for a very long time”. That was Friday night time. Saturday I emailed her mother a poem and requested her to learn it to Erika. She replied again and mentioned she was sedated however as she learn it her eyes have been flickering. It was a poem I’d written once I acquired dwelling. The primary letter of every line spelled out her identify. Her mother was actually touched by that. Monday, April 29, 2019 at 7:19am I acquired a textual content. “She handed away at 5:20am”. She was 36 years previous.

A couple of week later, her mother texted me and mentioned she had one thing for me. I went down and he or she had a keychain. “I do know you have been finest pals, I put a few of her ashes on this keychain so that you by no means need to be other than her once more”. That melted me. I’d by no means been so touched.

And that was that. For the primary time in a dozen years. I didn’t have a finest good friend. I didn’t have somebody I might name and speak to it doesn’t matter what the topic. I used to be misplaced. It’s now one 12 months later and I’m nonetheless misplaced. I nonetheless a number of instances every week assume “Oh, Erika would love that” or “Oh, I gotta ship that to Erika” and instantly depress myself on the realization that I can’t ever once more. I don’t even know tips on how to cope. Like, if I’d have misplaced anybody else in my life, Erika would’ve been the individual I’d have referred to as for assistance on tips on how to cope. Joel, when he handed, I hadn’t seen him in a number of years. It harm however not like dropping somebody I noticed on a regular basis. A finest good friend from highschool I used to spend nights with…Ernie. He dedicated suicide as a result of his spouse wished a divorce. That harm. That additionally pissed me off that he selected that path. However I’d not seen him in 15 years. So yeah, it harm however it wasn’t like…nicely, this.

One of many temporary stints I had on FB, Erika was complaining about somebody desirous to eat their cake and have it too. And she or he threw numerous “m’f’er” in there. And naturally I piled on. As did one other mutual acquaintance. So there was this submit that was insane with mom effin’ (not censored on the precise submit) cake posts. September rolled round and her birthday was approaching. So I contacted the ex I used to be with when Erika had moved to Florida. I informed her Erika had handed. She was saddened by it. I contacted her as a result of she runs a cake enterprise. So I requested her if she might make a cake with “motherf’er” on it since I used to be pretty sure nobody else would. She not solely did it however did it totally free. And it turned out lovely. So to rejoice Erika’s life, her mom, her youngest bro (the opposite lives a number of hours away) and I had a few of that motherf’ing cake. That fairly actually mentioned “Erika’s Motherf’ing (besides it wasn’t censored) Cake and had a ladybug on high since she collected ladybugs stuff.

I’ve by no means set my sails in the direction of Beagle Level from the time I parked for her. I’m nonetheless the place I informed her I’d wait. I need to go to Beagle. To see it. I do know she’ll be there with me when and if I ever make that vacation spot. I WANT to go. I need to hop in my ship and take off. However I harm each time I give it some thought. I understand I have to if something only for some delicate remedy. That making it there could be good for me. I imply, I used to be seeing somebody this previous Halloween and thru the remainder of the vacations and opted to not go to the native fireworks or the Xmas within the Park occasions as a result of the final time I’d accomplished both was with Erika. And I do know that I robbed myself of latest experiences, however I simply couldn’t convey myself to go realizing if I didn’t, then the final time I went to both was with Erika.

I suppose writing that is a part of my making an attempt to get myself motivated to finish that journey. And a part of making an attempt to assist myself discover a strategy to cope. I understand how a lot ache I nonetheless have and the way a lot coping I’ve left to do over the truth that I cried a number of instances whereas scripting this. However I need to make that journey for her. And once I get again from it. I’m going to rebadge ‘Nevermore’ to ‘…On the Different Aspect’ as in “see you on the opposite aspect” and a ship ID of ‘ENS917’ for her initials and birthdate. I could even go pink thrusters or one thing to signify her girly woman aspect.

I really feel higher having written this. I don’t know if I’ll do something with it or if like most issues I write, it would keep tucked away on one of many secondary laborious drives I’m utilizing. Time will inform. To anybody which will find yourself studying this, I hope when you’re diabetic or have a beloved one that’s and never caring for yourselves (or themselves) the way in which you need to, that you just discover a purpose to do a greater job earlier than it’s too late. And understand will probably be too late LONG earlier than you get indicators of it being so. I additionally hope that you just inform your finest good friend and members of the family that you just love them. Since you by no means know when the final time you’ll have that probability will probably be and if it’s when YOU lose somebody, regardless of how typically you informed them, you’ll want you probably did it extra and all the time want for that “only one extra time” to inform them. And to you, CMDR Erika Nicole Shelton…I beloved you with all that I used to be. And I miss you want mad. Each. Single. Day. Thanks for being my finest good friend. Fly secure on the opposite aspect… o7

EDIT – A honest because of the people who awarded platinum, gold, numerous awards and all the attractive needs and sort phrases.

EDIT – Might 29

Pics of the cake and my mission completion –

To these right here by one other commanders current submit, I simply need to say thanks for the love and help you’ve got all added to these commanders who had already commented. I assumed I might replace. I’ve renamed my Anaconda as I deliberate, she’s at the moment parked within the Sol system.

I accomplished my mission to take Erika to Beagle, then took her to Salome’s Attain, to my data, the sting of the galaxy. And I made the journey again safely. I took a few images for myself, however since so a lot of you might be asking, I’ve determined to share them above, proper underneath the EDIT – MAY 29 bit, of the keychain along with her ashes in entrance of my monitor display screen (forgive the low high quality of the pic, I play in VR so do not have a full display screen picture on my monitor and simply snapped a pic with the ashes for my very own reminiscences). I additionally included a pic of the MF’ing cake that you just all appeared to be so keen on.

My coronary heart goes out to each considered one of you which have misplaced somebody pricey to your hearts. Mates, household, family members, pets. Let this thread be a strategy to see that you probably have a tough time coping along with your loss or losses, that discovering a strategy to divulge heart’s contents to somebody about it could actually do wonders. I spent a 12 months making an attempt to manage and it wasn’t till I posted this and these lovely folks replied that I took step one on an extended street forward.

So a lot of you need to do one thing to immortalize her. I’ve had folks need me to contact FDev or contacted FDev themselves. I’ve had folks need to begin a minor faction. I’ve had folks provide to prepare an expedition. All of those, are lovely (the expedition, I am an enormous fan of). However actually, the easiest way to immortalize her, is that if you already know somebody with diabetes that is not caring for themselves, inform them her story. As a result of if her tragedy saves one individual…then my coronary heart will heal a tiny bit extra realizing we saved not solely them from the ache and struggling, however their family and friends from the ache just like what I have been via, what her mom and the remainder of her household went via. Simply allow them to know that ready to take management is the flawed transfer, by the point they understand they should do extra, the harm is already accomplished. I miss my good friend. And I do not need any of you to ever really feel how I do proper now.

All my love goes out to this neighborhood proper now. Might you all fly secure. Godspeed CMDR’s. o7

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